A catalog of the stuff in my apartment
Paper money from the U.S. has such a distinctive smell I somehow know what it tastes like even though I have never, to my knowledge, had a dollar bill in my mouth. It’s an unmistakable odor combining mustiness, ink, and sweat. I’m sure the taste is salty and earthy yet also chemical. Is this grossing […]
I have recently come to the conclusion that turtlenecks suit me. Maybe that’s because I have a thin neck and the fabric supplies an illusion of bulk. Or maybe it’s that, when worn with my glasses and habitually severe expression, a turtleneck seems to complete what should perhaps be my signature look: a visual homage […]
At this time of year, holiday music is like James Corden in 2019: ubiquitous and terrible. I don’t pretend my own taste in carols is superior to the norm, but I do know what my ears want to hear in December. My personal canon of Christmas albums would have to include the following 10 recordings. […]
I have to attend two weddings on back-to-back weekends in October, and I haven’t a thing to wear. Worse, both couples tying the knot are composed of gay men, which means guests are expected to achieve feats of sartorial fabulosity. I don’t think my dumpy old funeral suit will cut it. Course, one of the […]
The apartment building where I live always thinks it’s on fire. The alarms seem to go off at least once every couple months, sometimes more. And then all the residents have to evacuate yet again and stand around out front until a screaming fire truck arrives and an official confirms that the place is not, […]
I brought a sweater to a wedding I attended in El Salvador last year. I didn’t plan to wear the thing at the ceremony or reception, of course, but to one of the auxiliary events—a dinner on a beach. I figured the sweater would be appropriate since it’s made of relatively porous material and has […]
When my husband, Frank, works from home, he sits at a round table in a corner of the bedroom. His computer monitor points right at the bathroom door, so whenever he’s on a video call and I have to pee, I’m supposed to hold it until he’s finished so that his coworkers won’t see me […]
Around this time last year, I followed the 6-week self-improvement program laid out in a book called The Listening Path by Julia Cameron. The goal was to become a better listener. A key part of the regimen involved writing three stream-of-consciousness pages in longhand immediately upon waking each morning. And I mean immediately. You were […]
I went to the beach only a couple times this summer. During my most recent day out on the sand, there was no umbrella for me to cower under, so to protect my pasty skin from harmful UV rays, I slathered on extra sunscreen, kept my shirt on, and used my towel as a blanket […]
At a Pride party I attended last month, somebody I had just met asked me if I was gay. “Can’t you tell?” I said. “Sometimes with nerds it’s hard to tell,” he said. I live for that kind of remark because I can’t wait to repeat it. My idea of the perfect material for a […]
Indirect Objects 