A catalog of the stuff in my apartment
I shampoo my hair every two to three days. I used to wash it daily but then someone convinced me that was too much. Apparently I was putting my hair at risk of becoming dry and brittle. My hairstylist at the time and several other anti-‘poo proselytizers made the case for infrequent washing, but the […]
I’ve started taking a vitamin B12 supplement. My doctor recommended it because I’m a vegetarian. Evidently, your body gets the vitamin, which helps make red blood cells and supports nervous system function (according to the Nature Made label), from animal products. So if you don’t eat those, you’re at risk, says WebMD, of growing weak […]
The dermatologist I went to as a teenager used to call me “Moose.” He had an avuncular manner and always wore a visor with two inset magnifying eyepieces so that he could get a good look at his patients’ hideously clogged pores. I think “Moose” was supposed to set me at ease or maybe make […]
My husband and I keep a candle and a book of matches on top of the toilet tank cover should anyone who uses the bathroom need to mask the odor of a momentous bowel movement. I call such an event a Poopapalooza. As in, “Whoa! It smells like somebody hosted a four-day Poopapalooza headlined by […]
To tell you the truth, I don’t really mind the oniony smell of human sweat. I mean, I wouldn’t buy a Yankee Candle in that flavor or anything. But B.O. doesn’t spark the level of disgust in me that it seems to set off in others. I take this as proof of my high regard […]
I was born in August 1979, so all but the first four months of my first decade on earth were spent in the 1980s. Consequently, I have nostalgic feelings for hairspray. The same goes for the Smurfs and anti-Soviet sentiment. I recall two notable encounters with the latter attitude during my prepubescent years. When I […]
For a while there in the Aughts, I’m pretty sure there was an FCC regulation that required an Intervention rerun to be broadcast at all times of day and night. Today, there seems to be a similar rule governing the scheduling of 90 Day Fiancé. Intervention was a reliable presence on the airwaves but certainly not a […]
Sometimes I think it’s a shame I didn’t live in an era before modern orthodontics. I have naturally occurring straight teeth—no medical intervention went into the making of my smile—and I figure that back in pre-braces times this feature would have made me stand out, godlike, among the snaggletoothed masses. Of course, those days were […]
I grew up in a home with four women—my mom and three sisters—and they used up toilet paper like they had a vendetta against trees. In fact, we had a family rule that when one of us went to the store for any reason, that person was supposed to pick up a four-pack of Charmin […]
My grandpa would remove his unwanted nose hairs by yanking them out with his fingers. I watched him do it once. We were in a car. He was in the driver’s seat, and my grandma was sitting next to him. I was in the back. We were stopped at a gas station, and while we […]
Indirect Objects 